we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
