Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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