my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he shaved USA in his pubs
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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