You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
