i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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