I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
