All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
