found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
