I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
