I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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