hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
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You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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