Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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