Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
