i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
