tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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