my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
