Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
