I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
