so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
