Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
