I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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