Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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