Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
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Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
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And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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