1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
