I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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