after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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