He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
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he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
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I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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