you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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