Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
