So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
