I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
