peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
