Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
