I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
