I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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