When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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