I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
