Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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