yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
barbara walters just said penis...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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