I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
