Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
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You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
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The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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