Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
