Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
