Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
