She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Randomize
