even my farts smell like vagina
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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