I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
