I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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