When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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