Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
being pregnant is like rehab
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
