I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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