I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
