im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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